Along with Bipolar: Self-harm
Self-harm is
in my mental illness history, and I’m grateful I haven’t had urges in over 2
years. But I’ll never be free from the prominent scars on my arms, legs, and torso
that draw unwanted attention when uncovered and always stay in my mind.
People (mental health professionals and fellow patients alike) don't understand my hopefully former
self-harming. It was brutal, not the type of temporary relief from pain many
do. It was, at times, nearly suicidal, though that was never my intent. My
motivation was to get into a psych unit, even as that was a crapshoot, an
uncertainty about which hospital I'd land in and what type of staff would be
overseeing me. I wanted out of my head, or just to be cared for, in episodes
where I felt out of myself and lost in the depth of life. It was bipolar and obsessive-compulsive
disorder (OCD) mixed with premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD), a potent
concoction that rose in me & overwhelmed me. The thoughts were ceaseless.
Those incidents
were torturous & hard to treat because I didn't feel comfortable about revealing
the true nature of them.
I was savage
about it and threw myself into an uncertain void.
My
self-harming wasn't the common type.
The
treatment I was offered really didn’t help. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy
(DBT) groups restricted any talk of emotions or discussing actual self-injury
feelings. I didn’t need to be taught skills. I wanted to rage, to scream about
how hard life was and the unfair parts of growing up and how weird I felt, and
to feel safe doing so, and to be supported. Yet, I got DBT instead and lots of
meds, and lots of hospitalizations.
I tried a
30-day program, just for self-injurers, that allowed for some expression of
grievances and hurt through specific writing assignments. Therapeutic support
was good there, but then I had to fly back home, back to my actual life. My
regular therapist failed to continue the work started in the program, even
though she’d recommended me there. The focus and intensity that had benefitted
me slowly wore off.
Self-harm
stopped serving my needs after I detoxed from too many psych meds and entered menopause,
haphazard combinations of meds and monthly PMDD no longer amplifying my
distress. Now that I’m seeing a competent psychiatrist who only has me taking
one med, bipolar ups and downs aren’t plaguing me either.
I only know
my own self-injury patterns and how they finally ceased. I can’t tell anyone to
not do it, that things will get better, that permanent scars might be a regret.
I’m not an expert.
It’s all part of dangerous chapters in my life as I dealt with mental illness. I can’t wish it all away, but I take what I know now to pursue the right treatment and appreciate taking good care of myself.
