Quieting the Disorder of Bipolar

 

Once my med for bipolar kicked in and started improving my mood, of course I was excited. I immediately increased my activity level and imagined that, before I knew it, I’d be working again, out socializing regularly, and exercising as vigorously as I did 15 years ago. No, that’s now how it’s unfolding.

I have added activities, like cooking and attending an art club. I can read books again and create new art. All of that is great, but my energy is limited, and the initial med-assisted burst has evened out.

I’m grateful for this. My past pattern was always to grab periods of my mood lifting and launch into a flurry of action. Inevitably, I’d fall into exhaustion and despair because this is not sustainable. The feeling of that is harsh. By that, I mean I’d deeply criticize myself as a failure. There I’d been, all the chances in the world for success, and again I’d blown it.

I’d truly only failed at realizing that bipolar causes me to roll through cycles of ups and downs. Previously, I hadn’t been medicated accurately, properly, or reasonably, hadn’t been with therapists who understood my issues or made me feel safe to reveal them, was badly affected by menstrual cycles, or just flat out in denial that I even dealt with bipolar. Accepting my diagnosis helps me greatly in managing it, working with my psychiatrist, and seriously considering how my life is enhanced with correct prescribing. Yet, the med isn’t the entire change in me, only a part, as it can’t decide activity level for me, and it can’t control how I view the equilibrium it provides.

So, I’ve settled into myself, how I am authentically, without being defined by jobs and accomplishments. What I’ve noticed is honestly a dramatic change. I consistently feel good about myself. I’m not racked with spikes in mood, essentially dictating how and what I do, nor am I preoccupied with my mood. This is freeing and it’s the first time in my life that I’ve felt so unburdened. This is what I appreciate most. Being able to do more, restore health, form friendships, and enjoy a busier life are all bonuses.

I cook because that satisfies me. I create art when I’m intrigued by the process. I keep going to art club every 2 weeks because I meet like-minded people who bring me peace. I don’t need to force myself into motion, treating everything I do as a task. Instead, I allow activities to happen in a natural way, incorporated within me, in harmony with my newfound balance.

I’ve, in a sense, captured an elusive tranquility. I can reassure myself that bad moments are just bad moments, not the beginnings of a descent into desperation and destruction, and that good times won't morph into extremes of ceaseless motion until the crash. Every day I’m okay and that’s amazing enough to me.