So Has My Mental Health Actually Improved Off All Psych Meds?

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I've been off all meds for about 18 months now, and generally I'm better mentally in many obvious ways. For instance, I no longer self-injure, something I'd felt compelled to do almost monthly when I was on quetiapine, lithium, benztropine, gabapentin,  desvenlafaxine, Vivitrol depo, naltrexone, pramipexole, and levothyroxine (yes, the last two were for adverse effects). And my moods can still elevate and then dip, but not in such extreme ways as they did for my years on so many meds. My days aren't always productive and I still feel ill too often and yet I care for my basic needs, and did care also for my cat Iris very well until she died last week. And there I thought I would face insurmountable crisis, a test of how together I really was as I stared into a dark chasm of losing my constant companion, the little being who'd lived with me for 8 years and stayed close by my side through all of the horrid parts of meds withdrawal. I was convinced I only wanted to stay alive for her.

Iris passed after a rapid onset of probably a cancerous mass in her duodenum. The vet came, as I'd asked, and peacefully sent her over the bridge, wrapped her up, took her body away, assuring me her ashes would be spread over an orchard-like area with the ashes of other beloved pets. Then I was alone.

Initially I numbed out for a couple of days. Then I tried not to think too much about my cat now being gone, just gone. I cleared all of her cat gear, the litterbox and scratching posts, blankets, toys, her cat cave. Out it went. I sat. I felt empty. I felt lost. Then I retreated for two days into blankness and sleeping, and there I had to ponder. With Iris now gone, did I want to be gone as well? Did I really? I let myself wallow in it, but then I found myself thinking that I wasn't wanting to disconnect and give up life. That just wasn't happening despite my secret prediction that it would indeed be the case.

And I felt my spirit filling my body as I joined back in with social groups and family. Concerns about bills and threatening final notices alarmed and angered me, but I presented that to my supports, finding the help needed to proceed on a logical course to handle that, which is huge because money matters are my least favorite issues. Frankly, I'd rather have a spider crawling up my arm.

Yes, the answer is a definite yes that I am improved mentally off all psych meds. And because of that, I could honor my cat's life with all of the emotions and pain. Here I'll end with the joy of knowing Iris, her many expressions, her sweetness mixed with her wild cat side, and that so many shared in my love of her through pictures and brief stories about her days, always near me, never far.



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