Five Months on a Psych Med
Five months ago, after finding a psychiatrist who met my
criteria, I reached out for help.
I’d already spent over 3 years clearing out 7 medications.
I’d already delved into my personal issues and worked on identifying and
addressing my issues. On my own, I came that far, but it wasn’t enough to ward
off cycling moods and an ever-present wish to just not exist at all.
I approached that first appointment, the initial evaluation,
with trepidation. To my relief, all went well. This psychiatrist met my
expectations. He took a thorough history, heard my realist goals, and suggested
a medication that might help without clouding my creativity, inflicting intense
sleepiness, or entangling me in disabling adverse effects.
My goals were simple. I wanted to be more physically active,
develop social interests outside of my apartment, and make new art.
This psychiatrist asked what I might like to do socially. I
told him I’d really enjoyed, while in art school years ago, sitting with a
group of other artists drawing, quietly chatting, and just being together.
(Sure, that exists, I thought sarcastically.) He googled artists groups in my
area and, within minutes, discovered a Meetup specifically for those who want
to draw together casually, no pressure to participate in conversation.
Astounding.
The med has produced unexpectedly great results. This didn’t
happen overnight. It’s not perfection, but it is allowing me a much better
quality of life, less bound up in overriding thoughts that I’m flawed and useless.
The changes I’ve seen, and worked toward, are clearer when
broken down by the month.
Within 1 month:
-I no longer wished I’d die or had certainty that I’d
suddenly become sick and die.
-I started taking walks around my neighborhood and on the many trails winding through woods.
Two months in:
-I joined the artists club Meetup group. Initially, I’d
resisted and the first time attending I was anxious and shaky. That subsided
because the group members are welcoming, polite, nonjudgmental, and mostly
introverts, like me.
-I found I could now “get into a zone” with making new art,
my drawings accurate, rich in detail and feeling. These are my latest drawings:
-After adjusting my med up in increments, always under
psychiatric supervision, I hit the sweet spot of consistently even moods, not
too high, not too low.
-Residual OCD compulsions lessened. I’d previously knocked
down these sets of random, self-created rules considerably using humor and
understanding of their purpose.
-I more readily establish my boundaries around other people.
-Amazingly, one day I became sick of my sugary, salty,
bread-filled diet, no pre-planning, just a sudden urge to change it. I pulled
food out of my refrigerator, freezer, and cabinets and tossed it in the
dumpster. I bought vegetables, fruit, lean meat, and spices and began eating in
a way that feels good. My body had become cumbersome and puffy. It wasn’t about
losing weight, and I won’t play that numbers game, but about body comfort. This
has continued, unforced, without pining for the old diet.
Four to Five Months In:
-I really love cooking, the whole process, the color and structure
of vegetables as I peel and chop them, the sound and smell of garlic and onions
sizzling in a pan, and the taste of spices livening up dishes.
-I’m able to read books again. For 10 long years, I found
concentrating on paragraphs, so many pages yet to come, both overwhelming and
frustrating.
Over these 5 months, I’ve learned to adjust my pace.
Adherence to schedules proves futile as I prefer a flow, a natural progression,
a way of doing that sticks because I like it, not because I’m pressuring
myself. I’m also recovering from severe withdrawal in discontinuing previous psych meds,
leading into treatment for health issues, leading into further mental
struggles, all mixed with unmedicated bipolar problems. My energy only goes so far,
and I respect that.
Medication hasn’t, and won’t ever, take me by the hand and guide me into beneficial activities, but it certainly has helped in clearing a path.
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