Yes, I've had ECT

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Twenty years ago, I was given a choice, while on a psychiatric detention hold, that I could either start eating, or be tube fed, or try ECT. After a day or two of being heavily pushed toward ECT, I agreed to try. One psychiatrist oversaw this whole psych unit, and he had an ECT suite, and he wanted all patients in there for a good dose of volts.

The procedure, sending electricity into my brain to induce a grand mal seizure while I was under anesthesia and muscle relaxants to minimize my body’s spasms, had me waking to intolerable migraines. I did maybe three treatments, then pretended I could eat again so the psychiatrist would release me from the hospital. Basically, I was shoved out the door with my belongings and a note pinned to my shirt instructing me how to get the buses home. I remember seeing a department store that looked familiar, so I departed the bus and somehow managed to find my way walking the remaining few blocks. It took months for things in my house to become familiar again. I was a stranger to my own home.

Years later, all the way across the country now, I was again presented with the idea of having ECT. The psychiatrists said things to me like:

-You’re in and out of psych hospitals.

-ECT will kick in your meds.

-It’s so safe now, and we can give you something to prevent it causing migraines.

And another patient I hung out with there was big on it. He said things like:

-I love when the anesthetic is hitting, the few moments just drifting into sweet oblivion.

-The next few days after ECT can be such a high! There’s so much you could care less about.

-I’ve had ECT a lot, not because it really changes anything in the end, but getting it is such a trip. It literally jolts me out of dull existence.

And his words planted ideas in my head, because being a recovered addict, I was still always sniffing out free and sanctioned ways of altering my mind. So I signed up.

Did a dozen or so ECT treatments give me my desired high? At time, yes, I felt high. But I didn’t like the headaches I still got, or the time I came out of anesthesia unable to breathe, or that I lost memory of much of that year, or that I had to spend money on medical transport to get me home from the clinic when ECT continued after I was released from the hospital. But I gave it a good go.

The only profound change in me from ECT is knowing that focusing voltage into the brain to produce seizures as a humane psychiatric treatment technique is one messed up idea. Are we really still doing this to people?


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